Elusive Apple
NCJPS Diaries, Chapter-10
Part-III (Downfall)
…in continuation from Chapter-8 & 9
Beyond Reach
Within a short span, I had created 2 antagonists in my class of about 40. Counting in their extended friend circle, by end of XIth half of the class strength looked down on me. In order to avoid those 4 eyes, I started spending more and more time in playground and one such escape trip inadvertently led to my 3rd escapade.
It must have been a sweltering afternoon of 1994 when I reached sports room after a rigorous basketball session. I remember soothing breeze of ceiling fan hitting my sweat drenched body. I decided to stay put for a while in the empty sports room and took a relaxing posture on the lone chair kept at a side. As I was cooling down with top shirt button open, 2 tall girls from a different section of my batch walked in. While I hurriedly buttoned up -they switched off the fan, picked up Table Tennis racquets and took positions on either side of table, with utter disregard to my dripping presence. As I prepared to leave, there was a wonderful rally of smash and returns between the two. It was outstanding by any school standards and I thought of watching their game a little more- that’s where I erred. For first 10 minutes I watched the game and next 15 minutes only the player on right. She was tall, beautiful with her silky long hair firmly held by a band. The way she moved, adjusted the falling strands on her forehead and conversed with opponent- there was captivating style in everything. By the time they left, Cupid’s arrow had left the bow. You may call it taken by storm or love at first sight or whatever but the fact is that She came, I saw and She conquered.
In next two days, despite best efforts I miserably failed to find anything but her name and thus decided to bring Prachi into the scene. “Kyu? Tu ne kyu pata karna hai?”- Prachi had early traits of advocacy when she countered me with these questions. “Bataa na yaar. Achhi lagti hai wo.” And then with a smile she revealed jaw dropping details about Miss Classy- a State level Yoga Champion, ferocious debater, excellent in studies, National level sports person, winner of many Co-curricular activities, with exceptional command over English. I immediately knew, approaching her will be a bad idea but still went ahead with the suicide. Prachi, a strong and clear headed girl was my only option. She’s one person who hasn’t changed in all these years and still stands by her pals through every good or bad thing. “Tu khud kyu nahi baat kar leta?” -came another question when I hesitantly told her about my thoughts. “I got goosebumps when last time you told me about her. I’m scared of speaking directly. You please help me out” -that was the third time I took a via route. “Chal thik hai. Mein bol dungi” -she once again proved to be a darling friend.
As promised, message was passed and I got invited for one on one meeting with the Classy Girl. I was damn frightened to say the least.
“Hi, how are you?”-she said politely.
“I’m fine"-it was an achievement for me to have answered in English.
“What’s your Sun Sign?”.
“Sagittarius”.
“Hmmm…I am Sagi too. The Sun Signs are not compatible. At best we can be friends” -with this she smartly defined the future contours of our acquaintance.
“Meet me any time you want”-and she was gone.
Linda Goodman’s one book had sealed fates of far too many stories worldwide. But this encounter ensured that we started acknowledging each other, though ‘bahaa do prem ki ganga, dilon mein prem ka sagar…’ stanza of our school prayer didn’t seem to have desired effect on her.
With each passing day, my fondness for her grew bigger and larger. I wanted to be near to her -for that I learnt Table Tennis, failed in attempts to enroll for debates, took part in Annual Day celebrations and was active participant in ‘Youth Parliament’ where she played the role of Speaker Lok Sabha. Her aura by now had assumed the proportion of a Demi-goddess. Once during the rehearsal session of ‘Youth Parliament’ when she was barely few feet away, I lost grip on my thoughts -I imagined myself putting right hand across her waist, gently bringing her closer to get a whiff of her fragrance. There was no lust but only love and admiration. While I was at all this, I forgot to deliver my lines twice and in lieu of whiff got admonition from Verma Sir. After the practice, which was being conducted in the school hall, I requested her to accompany me for a short walk. Ufff, she was looking absolutely ravishing on that day. I said everything I felt and expressed my hopeless love for her. “It is infatuation Gagan. And will go away with time”-was her mature reply. Well, in that tender age too, I was aware that it is not mere infatuation and whatever it was, has not faded away with time.
Apart from Prachi, there was one more who was privy to all this -Vipul. He was self-proclaimed closest friend of Classy Girl. While the feedback by Prachi remained encouraging, his views were always on tangent and distasteful. One day he bluntly mentioned my ‘2 paisa worth’ for her and advised to maintain distance. His words were devastating. Few days later on the contrary, she fondly perused my notebook containing preparation material for NDA. When the copy came back, I was pleasantly surprised to see a nice red and scented cover over it. Contradictory signals were emerging at the same time. For the fear of losing out, I neither countered her directly nor tried to clarify the confusion and preferred to stick with the narrative I liked. But this boy duly quoting her, kept pricking with degrading comments. The dichotomy persisted. Proportionately my confidence plummeted and within few months, warmth of one-sided friendship with her vanished. Then came the ultimate blow. Result of NDA written was out and my number figured in 6 page bulletin published in Employment Newspaper. After my parents, she was among first ones to be told about the achievement. Delighted to core, I happened to meet Vipul at the ground floor passage that connected adjacent blocks. “I cleared NDA exam”-informed him happily. I was anticipating congratulations, when he instead said- “I know, she told me about it. She was saying ‘nowadays people like you are also able to qualify in such prestigious exams’!” With that sentence I experienced the lowest level of self respect, ever.
Euphoria died instantly. My downfall was complete; and I shifted my gaze to watch Nursery kids running around the Peepal tree.
Repercussions of desiring something beyond reach were disastrous and the last assault proved fatal. This time I was unable to untangle the mess I again got myself into. Passion withered in intense emotions and I silently buried all three dreams.
Resurgence
Decision of not proceeding to NDA finals was not easy. But with 3 successive blows and confidence in tatters, rational thinking eluded me. It took 4 long years of Engineering to recover from these humiliating setbacks. My college life went emotionless. While others basked in the fake glory of having girlfriends, I drowned myself in books. In those years I hated speaking to girls. Attempt to erase permanently etched memories yielded results, albeit in different form - I stood 3rd in entire University. With bronze medal in hand and sour affairs thing of past, it was time to rise from rubble.
What emerged was a dreaded, ruthless go-getter who vowed to reclaim the left behind goals. First one came by in 1999 with a slight modification - I got employed not to fly aircrafts but instead to jump from them. Tendency to volunteer for risky assignments kept second one at bay. But at the back of my mind, there always remained a sense of loneliness; a longing for companionship. My search for that elusive apple ended in Aug 2002 when accidentally my strings strummed again for one last time. How it ended up in Feb 2003 marriage is another dramatic story beyond the purview of NCJPS Dairies.
On positive side, the 3 fiascos and a prolonged ache for soulmate taught me the dignity of one man-one woman ethics. In a society where more than half are unfaithful in their marriages, I steadfastly maintained unabated trust and loyalty in solemnized relationship, despite getting ample opportunities to ruin it.
After 11 years, in 2006 out of the blue I received a message on Orkut from Classy Girl - saying that she is proud of me. We followed it up by exchanging few emails and then again there was a long lull until WhatsApp reconnected us last year. She’s married, settled in Canada and writes mesmerizing couplets. Status of Demi-goddess being intact, I’m still scared of speaking to her despite her nudges to get on a call.
The copy with red cover is safely resting in one of my boxes. With time fragrance has evaporated.
My philosophical side sometimes ponders over the events which unfolded between Aug 1992 to Mar 1995. Where did I blundered? Why was it so difficult to find someone who could reciprocate my genuineness? Was I expecting too much? Or was it swag quotient, I lacked? Were there any norms to measure how entrenched one was in love?
I fail to answer any of them.
